How To: Responses for Rude/Personal Questions & Comments
Photo Credits: David Bailey via Pinterest
Something I like to remind people of often is the fact that kindness and boundaries can coexist. It is a common misconception that kindness equals weakness. We can remain respectful and courteous of someone without allowing ourselves to be walked all over.
While I wish it was not, it is almost inevitable that we will find ourselves in a situation where someone will ask a comment or make a question that is plain rude and/or far too personal. This might be a stranger all the way to a great aunt at the next holiday meal. I like to think most people don’t have bad intentions and are simply missing some social awareness. A girl can dream, right? I want to equip you with strategies to help respond to these questions and remarks with poise and grace, but also without allowing it to slip by without acknowledging that it was wrong.
The Three Approaches:
When it comes to responding to rude or personal questions and remarks, there are three approaches I like to recommend. Which approach you choose to use will depend on what makes sense with your personality and speaking style, the unique situation, and the person who made the comment or asked the question. You may consider using a combination of the approaches as well.
Humor
Using humor can help diffuse an awkward situation. If you think the person had good intentions with asking the question, this may be a good approach to consider.The Dance Around
This is where you acknowledge and respond to the question in a “roundabout way.” You don’t actually reveal any information you don’t want to.A Firm Boundary
This is when you directly, but politely, state that you would prefer if the conversation did not go any further.
There will be response examples for various scenarios in a moment, so not to worry!
The Magic Transition Phrase:
Any of the approaches mentioned above are best followed by a quick subject change. It allows you to move the focus and energy away from the question or comment that caught you off guard. I recommend having some ideas saved in your back pocket so you can transition to another topic of conversation seamlessly. A phrase I like to put directly between my response to the question or comment and the subject change is “I meant to ask you…” It makes it sound more intentional. Here is an example (which will obviously sound more natural in spoken word):
“I so appreciate you asking about that, but to be quite honest with you, I am afraid I am not ready to discuss it at the moment. I meant to ask you, though,John and I are planning a trip for the summer and I wanted to see if you had any recommendations. Have you been anywhere lately that you really loved?”
Different Scenarios:
When someone asks about the next phase of your life
Question/Comment: “So, when do you think you will have children?”
Humor: “I am honestly just trying to plan for what to have for dinner tomorrow at this point!”
The Dance Around: “We are really enjoying this phase of our life at the moment.”
A Firm Boundary: “This is actually a bit of a sensitive topic for me right now.”
When someone makes a comment or asks a question about your appearance
Question/Comment: “You look great! Did you lose weight? How did you do it?”
Humor: “Work has been so busy, I have not had the chance to think about anything else!”
The Dance Around: “I am really focusing on my mental and physical health overall this year. I am not focusing on my weight, honestly.”
A Firm Boundary: “I know discussing weight has a different effect on everyone, so I’d honestly rather not talk about it right now.”
When someone asks a personal question about something you are currently dealing with
Question/Comment: “How are the kids handling the divorce?”
Humor: “My kids are happy and healthy so we are doing something right, I guess!”
The Dance Around: “We are doing everything we can for their best interest!”
A Firm Boundary: “I am doing my best to keep things as private as possible for the children.”
When someone asks how much you paid for something
Question/Comment: “How much did you pay for that incredible vacation your family just went on? It must have cost a fortune!”
Humor: “My wife might kill me if I disclose that information!”
The Dance Around: “We booked it so long ago through a special package, so I couldn’t remember if I tried! The resort was called XYZ, I’m sure they could give you their pricing details and packages if you called.”
A Firm Boundary: “It was such an incredible trip for our family. That counts as priceless for me.”
If you want to learn more about how to craft the ideal response in a situation like this or how to get out of a conversation you no longer wish to be a part of, you may be interested in OSE’s The Art of Conversation & Small Talk on-demand webinar.
